Cold night.

They say sex is the best feeling in the world. I guess these are the ones’ that never got a chance to cuddle with the person they adore the most.

Lying next to that person on a cold night, fingers locked, feeling each other’s warmth under one sheet is the most wonderful thing a human can experience. I had that feeling couple of times being next to you.

If I were to be gazing at billion stars and one of them was shooting across the sky; out of all the possible things I could wish for, I would wish for that cold night again.

Trying to unlove.

A girl who can’t stop loving

May 30th, 2015
Evening – 3:50

I was with my friends at the beach. It was a very exciting evening for me. Not excited about the beach, but the person I was about to meet for the first time. He wasn’t a complete stranger. Fate brought us together through a whatsapp group created by my friend and even though he was 5 years elder to me he connected to me like no other. We used to chat all the time. Through these texts we shared our joys and sorrows and we got to know each other better. But I had never heard his voice as he was very hesitant to speak over the phone and I didn’t force it. I liked his shy nature. But that evening I was to hear his voice for the first time, more importantly I was going to see him, spend time with him. That made the evening extra special to me. That evening was about to change my life.

Just like him, I too was shy. Sensing this my friend introduced us to each other as she knew him very well. We said “Hi” to each other with the tiny shy smile on each other’s face. My friend suggested we should go to the light house and everybody ran behind her. I had hard time getting down the rocks. I called out for my friends for help but they were busy galloping towards the light house. And then I noticed a hand stretched out. It was him. He offered me his hand. That was the sweetest thing that happened to me that evening! I held his warm hand firmly. Although he was gentle. His eyes were locked to my feet and made sure I took steps on the even surface and not get my feet stuck between rocks. But my eyes were locked to his. Our feet dipped in sand with each step we took. He told me about his future after engineering and how he wanted to get into the marine field. Listening to him, being next to him gave me a strange feeling. I felt connected to him. I felt there was an instant bond. I did not get bored by his talks. But I ignored those feelings thinking it was just an infatuation. After that evening we couldn’t meet each other but we did stay in touch through our text messages.

December 13th, 2016

I was at a function and noticed someone familiar. It was his mom. Even though I hadn’t met him in over a year and half, I stayed in touch with him. We always kept texting each other and we had shared pictures of our loved ones. I liked talking to him and sharing with him. I was already falling for him. I went up to her and introduced myself but I lied that I was her son’s classmate. You know how judgemental people get when you say you’re a friend with a guy who is much elder to you. I didn’t want her to give a bad impression. She mentioned he was in Mumbai doing his course to pursue marine.
The way I felt when I talked to him, sharing my thoughts with him made me fall in love with him. You don’t know when you fall in love with the person. You just realise it. You just wake up one morning and you have this happy feeling within you. You smile throughout the day not knowing the reason behind it and then it hits you! You realise you’re in love. I used to call him everyday after his classes. His friends had overheard me calling him baby and they all knew I was madly in love with him. I didn’t know if he felt the same about me. This long distance continued for a long time.

June 1st, 2017

I was at the hospital to check my skin allergy. My friend gave me company and I certainly needed it. I was waiting for my turn with my coupon. A woman walked up to me. It was his mother. Even though we had met only once, she recognized me. She was the sweetest. She insisted on coming with her and talk to him who was accompanying her. My joy doubled the moment I saw him. I wanted to run up to him and hug him but that wasn’t the appropriate place. I contained those feelings to myself. We kept talking. My friend warned that I would miss the appointment. But I just didn’t want to leave his sight. As warned by my friend, my appointment time was due. The nurse called out for my name but at that moment all that mattered to me was him! All I could hear was his voice and I knew I wanted to make him mine, forever. We continued staying in touch over the phone when he went back to Bombay.

After completing his studies he was back in town and was very happy as he was about to go on his first sail and he did on march 2018. Everything was perfect between us. I decided to tell him how I felt for him. How spending time with him was special. How listening to him made me forget everything around me. After being in love with him for 3 long years, I finally decided to confess him. I finally did it! I told him those words which were buried in me for so long and were aching me. I told those words which I should’ve told him earlier but couldn’t build-up the courage. I told him I was in love with him. But reply wasn’t what I had anticipated. He told he wanted to meet and then decide about it. He didn’t feel like talking it over phone. He wanted to talk in person.

We used to flirt with each other a lot. For him it might’ve been just flirting but for it was more than that. To me it was sharing my feelings towards him, sharing a part of me to him. I loved him and wished to be with him till the end of days. When you are in love nothing matters but the person you are in love with. You forget all rationality and surrender yourself to that person. I was at that point in my life. Nothing mattered except for him. I felt whatever I did for him, was right. I was doing it for the love of my life. Nothing was wrong with whatever I was doing. I stayed up till 2am just to text him. He got only 5 minutes time as his work schedule was very congested and I savoured every second of it. This continued for 9 months and 9 days, the period of his sail.

December 27th, 2018

I was about to meet him for the first time in over a year and half. I was accompanied by another friend of mine. I was so happy to see him finally. The sight my heart had yearning for so many moons was finally at my sight. Even though we were together for only 15 minutes, I made the most of it. We talked and clicked some pictures together. Also, I introduced him to my friend. I was nothing like her. She was fair, neatly done hair, well curved body and all that. Any guy would turn around and take a second look at her. I was nowhere near to her in those matters. Since that day, every time I asked to meet, he made excuses and didn’t respond properly. In the meantime, my friend told me he was eager to meet her! That was my biggest mistake – introducing them to each other! That’s when I realised how some men change priorities based on looks. My heart sank when he agreed to meet when I said I would be accompanied by my pretty friend! We finally met. He was also with a friend of his. We went for a drive. Throughout I had a feeling he was more into her than me. I understood what was going on.

After a few days, his friend texted me on facebook and we become good friends. One day we met at a restaurant and I told him how much I loved his friend and how he ignored me. He promised that he would help and get us close. I felt relieved that someone was in my side. I wasn’t alone in this quest.

January 27th, 2019

We were at a party. I don’t know how I gathered the courage. Maybe because it was the alcohol, I held his collar and pulled him close and pressed my lips against his. Blood rushed through my veins. The moment I kissed him, I felt calm. It was like getting something my soul had been yearning for years. But there was no response from him. Neither did he push me away, nor he kissed me back. He just stayed numb. It was a forced kiss! I just closed my eyes and continued kissing, I didn’t want that moment to end. Since that night, he showed some concern towards me. Since then we met several times. He didn’t make excuses to not meet me. He always showed-up. I was so much in love that I was ready to give up everything for him, my heart and soul. But he never took advantage of me. He didn’t want to get physical. I was happy with my life. He didn’t take me for granted anymore, or so I thought. I was happy that everything turned out to be fine, but it wasn’t the end.
Then I learned how he used to hangout with many of his female friends. I was not his love, I was one of them. I was his one of those “time pass” humans to him. There were no feelings attached. I came to know how he made fun of my appearance with his friends. How he read my messages I had sent to him and laughed about it. How him and his friends thought of me as a silly toy! I shouldn’t have trusted his friend and agreed for his help. But I wasn’t ready to give up on him so soon. I hoped he would change. I begged for him to stay. I begged for him to love me back but all of that in vain. I gave up my dreams, my hopes, my future, everything for him because he was my everything.
How can I forget the stress interview I took on march 29th, 2019. 5 mins prior to the interview I had texted him regarding the pictures I had sent him and his reply was, “so what?” The only thing running in my head throughout the interview was that conversation and pictures of him and his friends treating themselves and having a laugh about those conversations I had with him. My interview went terrible and professor asked me to get out! My ex and his friends came to know about this and the whatsapp statuses were flooded with “GET OUT” posts. I felt terrible about my life.

I wanted to hate him so bad but I couldn’t, I was still in love. And when you can’t hate someone for all the troubles they put you through, you start hating yourself. That is what exactly happened with me. I started hating my life. Slowly the things that used to amuse me, didn’t. They were all annoying. I wanted to end this. The only way I thought I could end it was by ending myself. People who say “cowards commit suicide” are the ones who have never knocked on the death’s door! They have no idea how much guts it takes to sit there at the dark corner of the room and cry within and then life flashes across you when you decide to put yourself out of the misery. I decided the heart which pumps for him, who had been the worst part of my life, shouldn’t pump at all. I cut my wrist and sat there waiting for it to stop once it runs out of blood. Spoiler alert – I didn’t die.

Here I am, 5 years later. Nothing has changed. I still love him but that doesn’t mean I forgive him for treating me that way behind my back. I can’t forgive him for leaking my personal stuffs. I can’t forgive him for being that person to me. I won’t text him or call him as his friends and cousins say I’m irritating. But I can’t stop loving him. It’s not like I haven’t tried to move on in these 5 years. Every night I try to delete that conversation, I end up reading those sweet messages we shared, I relive those moments we were together and I fall in love with that old him all over again. And with damp eyes I try to shut them but I can’t. I stare at the walls at midnight and I cry. I’m sure things would’ve been different if only he had said he never loved me and didn’t play games with me. Instead he wasn’t honest and now my heart is latched on to him even after all these years. While he has moved on and happy with his girlfriend, I’m here trying to not miss him with every breath I take.

Funny thing about heart, it doesn’t let you forget someone. It keeps reminding you the void left by that person every time it pumps. I hate the fact that I still can’t hate him. What I hate even more is the fact that I still have feelings for him but I can’t forgive him. Maybe I will forgive him, one day, when he realises what he put me through.

Closer

I was standing at her door. Just like any other Saturday evening filled with excitement and joy! There are some things you never get used to no matter how many times you do it. Like watching that one movie which never bores you. Reading that book which always keeps you at its grip and you keep reading further and further. Riding that motorcycle, no matter how small the journey is, it’s an adventure. For me, spending time with her was one such thing. It was always something special.

I clicked the doorbell – no answer. I clicked again and the result was the same. Third time’s charm, but wasn’t that day. So, I called her phone and door was finally open and there she was with her sleepy eyes, hair all over her face. At that moment she was the second most prettiest messy looking human, first being me. Who am I kidding? She looked like the rain soaked evening just before sunset. When storm ends, sure everything looks messed up, but you step out and see the horizon and feel the cold breeze, it’s soothing and the earth around you is greener and more beautiful than ever. That’s how it was. Her cheeks glowing, eyes hiding behind her hair and peeking through and then she tucks her hair behind her right ear..it was nothing short of a magic trick which left me awestruck every time. But the best part was it wasn’t a trick, it was all real. With her sleepy, blurry, breaking voice came a “Hii” and a giant hug.

According to a study, hugging reduces level of stress, improves your heart health and eases depression. Her hugs proved it every time!

I don’t know how but I agreed to watch BigBoss with her. I didn’t know why they were all yelling at each other or crying over who gets the last piece of chicken. There even was a contest on who gets the desert. Whole point of the show was pointless. But all that mattered to me was lying next to her. I don’t know when I fell asleep. The next thing I remember is turning to my right and sleeping on my shoulder with my hands tucked under my cheek like a pillow. As soon as I turned I felt a touch on tip my nose. It was her nose and her lips were just a fingertip away from mine. So close, yet so far! Her hair was flowing across her face over her cheek. I could feel her every breath. I stayed frozed! I stopped breathing thinking that would stop my heart from pounding so hard. I didn’t move an inch thinking me moving would disrupt the cosmos and ruin the moment. I prayed to every divine spirit. I prayed to every lucky stars of mine. I prayed to every God there is/was to pause this moment so that I could capture it forever.
At that moment all I could do was stare at her lips. No matter how badly you think you deserve something, sometimes you can’t have it. It’s a part of life. It’s like the universe reminding you what you’re missing and when you know that missing piece of life you realise what life is all about. Life is an unfair journey. Sometimes you don’t get what you yearn for the most and you have to live with it. If you always end up with what you wish for, it’s not life. It’s a fairy tale. And fairy tales aren’t real!

But life wasn’t too harsh on me. I got to spend time with her. Like watching that movie, her company never bored me. Like reading that favorite book, her stories always kept me at the edge of my seat. Like that journey in your motorcycle, doesn’t matter how little time I spent with her it was always exciting. It was always something special.

Cuddle.

I want to go back to that place.

That place where you fall asleep on my chest, with your arm wrapped around my waist.
And I stare at the ceiling; wondering,

Is this really happening?

Finishing.

1992 Olympics, Barcelona. It was a 400m race. All eyes were on the slowest runner on the track instead of the fastest. All eyes were on Derek Redmond.

~

Four years ago, in Seoul Olympics, Redmond didn’t get to the start line due to Achilles injury and had DNS – Did Not Start next to his name. 4 years and 8 operations later he was in the Olympics event again, representing England in the semi-finals of the 400m race.
The bullet was fired and the race was on. Redmond, who had won the first two rounds quite comfortably, had a good start until he heard a pop! He took another three – four strides and then the pain started kicking. That pop was his hamstring snapping. Derek grasped the back of his knee with one hand and went to the ground, with the other hand covering his face trying to hide his tears. He somehow managed to get back on his feet and started hopping forward to get along with the race.

Medical officials came towards him and urged him to stop but he didn’t want to. He kept limping forward and as he reached the 200m mark he realized everyone had crossed the finish line and he was the only one on the track. Redmond pushed the Olympic official who tried to stop him. Then he felt a arm around his shoulder. It was his father, Jim, who tried to convince him that he didn’t need to do this and it was over.

Derek didn’t stop limping. He kept going forward. There was about 100m to go and Jim didn’t try to stop him anymore. With his father’s support, who had been supporting him since Derek was 7 years old, he finished the race. Steve Lewis, American athlete won the race that evening. Derek Redmond won the hearts. Redmond got the standing ovation from the 65000 crowd gathered to witness the event.

With that shattered muscle, Redmond’s dreams too were shattered. He was told by the doctors that he won’t be able to represent his country anymore. Redmond didn’t stop there. He then went on to play basketball for the Birmingham Bullets. Today he is a motivational speaker.

Sometimes it’s not about winning. It’s about finishing what you started.

Football, bloody hell!

It was almost over but it wasn’t really finished. The fourth official came to the touch line and held up the board indicating 3 added minutes. The 90 minute game had only few minutes left now.

~

26th may, 1999. Camp Nou, Barcelona, hosted the most dramatic football match in the history of the game. Every bit of blood, sweat and tear came down to this – The Champions League final. It was Manchester United verses Bayern Munich.
That year was a good one for Manchester United. That season they won the Premier league and the FA cup. But they had to win the one more than anything else – The Champions League. That medal which would tell the world they are the best in Europe! Just like them, the German champions, Bayern Munich had the same intention, obviously!

“Trust me, you don’t want to walk past the European Cup at the end of the game. Not being able to pick it up would be the most painful thing you’ll ever feel in football. Make sure you don’t end up having to just look at the trophy, not able to touch it, knowing you had the chance to win the thing, but then let that chance pass you by.”

These were the dressing room words by Sir Alex Ferguson, Manchester United manager, before the start of the game. It was time. The players made their way out of the tunnel and walked to the pitch with jam packed stadium roaring at them. The stadium was packed with over 90 thousand fans. And in no time, kick-off!

Nothing in life comes easy. There are obstacles in every step. When it comes to football, obstacles in every minute. The game was just 6 minutes old and Bayern were awarded a free-kick just outside the penalty box. Mario Basler stepped up. The Manchester United wall looked strong and organized. Basler put it past the wall and curled the ball to the bottom left corner of the goal and Bayern led the game 1 – 0! Just 6 minutes into the game and Bayern were in total control. Manchester United without their key midfielder, Paul Scholes, and captain Roy Keane, were toyed all around the pitch. Soon the half-time arrived. The score line stayed

Manchester United 0 – 1 Bayern Munich.

Then came the most iconic half-time dressing room speech of all time. The moment which made this iconic came at last 90 seconds of the game. Those 3 minutes of stoppage time made it special.

“At the end of the game, you’re going to be six feet away from that trophy, and that’s the closest many of you will ever get to it. Don’t you dare come back in here without giving it your 100%”

Maybe the players felt what the manager meant. Second half went a little better. But the game was still in Bayern’s control as they had a goal in their name. At 78th minute Bayern almost wrote their name on the trophy when Mehmet chipped one over Man United goal keeper, Peter Schmeichel, who went full stretch but the ball went floating over his head and luckily for him and the team it hit the post and came right back at him and he grabbed the ball like a baby grabbing a stuffed teddy bear! Luck took Manchester United’s side once again late in the game when Carsten Jancker’s over head kick hit the cross bar at 84th minute.
It was almost over but it wasn’t really finished. Like they say, “it’s never over until it’s over.” The fourth official came to the touch line and held up the board indicating 3 added minutes. The 90 minute game had only few minutes left now. Manchester United were awarded a corner kick. As David Beckham walked to take the corner, the commentator said, “Can Manchester United score? They always score!” Maybe this jinxed Bayern Munich or blessed Manchester United, the debate might go on. Peter Schmeichel, United goal keeper, walked all the way across the field and joined the crowded Bayern penalty area. Beckham took his corner but was headed out by a Bayern defender. The ball went straight to Ryan Giggs who didn’t think twice to take his shot. It was a mishit but it went straight to United shirt – Teddy Sheringham who converted it into a goal!

Manchester United 1 – 1 Bayern Munich. United were back in the game with just 2 minutes of stoppage time left. Match was bound for extra time.

Not more than half a minute later, another corner in favor of Manchester United! Beckham once again put in a delicious ball to the Bayern penalty area which was headed by Teddy Sheringham into the path of Ole Solskjaer who stuck his foot out and the ball rattled the top netting of the goal! The time read 92 minutes and 14 seconds! In less than two and half minutes the game had changed upside down.

Manchester United 2 – 1 Bayern Munich

With that goal Manchester United were crowned the champions of Europe. The 1999 season saw them winning a treble of trophies, the first English side to do so!
Manchester United had and have made numerous come backs. But that night in Spain will always remain the greatest of all.

Guy with a dream.

Let me tell you something about a person. He’s not really a celebrity or has a blue tick next to his name or a Olympic gold medalist or owns a rock band. He’s just like you and me. A normal guy trying to get through life one day at a time. Funny thing is, I don’t even know his name. We all called him ‘Chotu’
I met him at a place where I used to work in Bangalore. Thin, dark complexion. A barrel full of coconut oil made his hair stick to his head. Every day his dress code was simple, a full sleeve shirt and plain trousers, old, worn footwear. But the best thing was he always wore a smile.
Chotu’s job was to serve coffee and help with the cleaning. One day I struck a conversation with him. Then I learned he was from Bihar. Also he worked two jobs! Once his shift here was over, that was from 9am to 6pm, he worked at a shopping mall from 11pm to 3am as a cleaning supervisor. I also learned he left his village and came to Bangalore when he was 14. It had been two years. Yes! A 16 year old working two jobs, almost 14 hours a day! Why? Because he had a goal. His dream was to open a ‘sop’
That’s what he said. “idar paisa kamaake main vapas gaun jaake sop kholna chahta hoon.” Then it struck me. He meant “shop”
You know what I learned from Chotu, bitching isn’t gonna do anything. He was 16, working two jobs, away from family and friends in a strange city and he didn’t complain. He just worked and each day moved one step closer to his “sop” The guy could have easily shrugged, “you know I’m just 16 and I shouldn’t be working according to the government anyway.” But he avoided excuses. He worked for his goal. That’s something we are missing. We are constantly looking for excuses and in the end we have someone/something to blame and avoid taking responsibility for the mess we are in. In reality we are to blame ourselves. The moment we take responsibility to our shits we become more like Chotu. We stop bitching and start working.

Silence.

Do the little things..

Everyday we go through a lot. When you’re a student you constantly worry about your academics. And when you’re done with it you think, “alright, now I get to live my life” and guess what? Bills show up! Responsibilities show up and you get all frowny. You just wait for the day to end even before it has barely started.

Remember the time when you were all enthusiastic and fun and ecstatic? Yeah, that’s the person you liked, didn’t you? You know what, that’s the person you have to be even if it’s hard at the moment. You’re always wondering to do something exciting rather than doing something boring like reading a book, going to a movie, calling your parents every freaking day, calling your brother/sister and asking them about their weekend. You know what, these boring things actually matter the most. We are all so fascinated by the fantasies shown by the movies and books and plays, we think that is living. That is the life. Going on road trips, going to different countries is living. Getting drunk every weekend is living. Kissing a stranger after getting drunk is living. With all these fantasies in our head we actually forget to live. We forget to do the little things.

The next time you step out don’t forget to smile. You’re smile, that gesture towards a stranger you have been seeing everyday on the metro, the bus, work place might change his/her day. You never know. And when you get back from your “boring” day, make sure you make those phone calls. No matter how mentally, emotionally, physically drained you are. Even they deserve to know what their precious is up to. Giving time to stuffs and folks who really matter, doing the little things that matter the most is actually living.

I don’t miss her..

I don’t miss her.
I miss her delightful smile. I miss her soothing kisses. I miss her fingers locked between mine.

I don’t really miss her.
I miss the warmth of her hug. I miss the sound of her laughter. I miss brushing her hair behind her ear. I miss her aroma.

Seriously, I don’t miss her.
I miss the feeling of being with her.